This comment was posted today by a husband in response to this blog posting about peri-menopause and divorce. I was asking if anyone thought there was a correlation between them and I receive numerous comments and interesting stories.
Maybe we can put our heads together and help this guy out.
I am a 49 year old male. My wife is 47. We have two children; ages 9 and 13. She has been going through peri-menopause for the last 6 - 7 years. This last Thanksgiving (2010) my wife of 20 years crawled into bed with me, lovingly wrapped herself around me and said the last thing I expected: "I'm trying to rid myself of all the negative things in my life, and you're one of them". She further went on to tell me it was because I don't listen to her, I'm a mean and angry person who has separated her from her family and friends, and she's furious about an auto accident I had two years ago. She's also really upset about what she has called my "tone of voice". This is funny since I think of myself as a pretty nice guy with lots of friends and good relationships with almost everyone I meet. She also thinks I'm a bad influence on the kids.
I went into a total depressive state over the holidays. My family was with us for the holidays and my wife was cordial to them, but indifferent to me. We celebrated her birthday during this time and she had a great time celebrating with my family, but again was indifferent to me. We're both going to individual counseling, Marriage Counseling.
As part of my treatment, I've discovered that a hypothyroid condition I was diagnosed with 12 years ago was a misdiagnosis. I didn't have an under-active thyroid, I had a dead thyroid; so I was subsequently misdiagnosed, under medicated, and mistreated. So for more than the last decade I have been suffering with hypothyroidism's main symptoms: chronic fatigue, memory issues, brain "fog", depression, and increased irritability. I even have an endocrinologist who will corroborate these symptoms as real and serious. As is text book with this disease, I didn't even know about the depression and irritability until it was too late.
My wife sees the issues of my hypothyroid as yet another "excuse" for my behavior when I attempt to explain what has been happening to me. I've since been under the care of an excellent endocrinologist who has done a wonderful job of treating my disease so that I am not suffering from the symptoms of my disease by placing me on a therapeutic regime of Synthroid (synthetic thyroid hormone) which I will be on the rest of my life.
I have since become much like the person she married. Slow to anger, sharper of mind, and not depressed. As far as my wife is concerned, this is too little too late and has told me that we are done. She says that the only reason we are together now is because of the kids and if they had not been here she would have been gone a long time ago. One moment she wants me to move out, the next she talks about staying together until our youngest is ready to go to college.
We are no long arguing. She still asks me for foot rubs, back rubs, wakes me in the middle of the night to discuss what's bothering her. Yet, when she leaves for work in the morning, she leans in as if to kiss me goodbye and, as I lean in to kiss her, she turns her head so that my lips land on her cheek. We have not further interaction with each other by phone or email (unless it has something to do with the house or the kids) until she comes home, we have dinner together, put the kids to bed, and watch TV with each other for about an hour, then go to bed; in the same bed. In the mornings, we wake up, go through our morning routine, and repeat the above scenario.
What's happening here? Despite all of the issues around my short temper and occasional rage outbursts (probably no more than 12 in the last 20 years); we have had a wonderful life together with lots of adventures and loving experiences. She was telling me she loves me up until the day before she told me we were done. I am so confused. I love her to distraction and truly regret everything that's transpired over the last few years and would love to find a way to fix this situation.