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It seems like all around me people are getting divorced or separated. It occurred to me that this seems to happen a lot for couples in the 38 to 50 age range.
Perimenopause also takes place during that time. Hmm… Could there be a correlation?
Do our hormones ruin our chances of a good relationship?
Something I have been toying with is the idea that perimenopause changes the patience/tolerence level in women. In my twenties and early thirties, many things didn’t bother me.
Men sure are able to get away with more when women are younger. When we reach 40+, we have less patience or tolerance for men’s actions and we let you know it. Then the dynamic of the relationship changes and becomes increasingly more uncomfortable. The women are changing but men will still operate business as usual. It pushes us women to our limits, then boom, the relationship is over.
So I ask… Does perimenopause make me less patient? Or does it just open my eyes and make me see the crap more clearly?
Yes. I think that we are more impatient than in our twenties and thirties. I miss not laughing as much as I used to. Reminding myself that it is hormones does help.
ReplyDeleteYes. We do see more of the crap. I think this is because our partners need to see the changes that are happening to us and the different needs we have. It's frustrating when they don't understand or sometimes fight the changes. I am married to a younger woman who hasn't hit perimenopause yet. She even say's it will never happen to her. She is in complete denial. That puts a strain on the relationship.
I am less patient, but it is because I am more honest. Like to deal with issues and be over it. At 52, I have passed perimenopause...into the real thing now. I like my newfound changes. More confident. More appreciative of life. Fortunately, my husband sees the benefit of my new attitude.
ReplyDeleteThe mid-forties were a little hard here and there, probably because I was in a transition mode. Also, I had my last child at 42...too busy to absorb one particular problem for too long. :)
I agree. I think we become more grounded and more self-assured as we get a bit older. If patience is short, it is because we have a better sense of what is really important. I'm not sure how it affects relationships but I think that it makes us less tolerant of politics in the workplace. If only the wisdom kicked in around 30, think what we could achieve!
ReplyDeleteI think your hypothesis is correct. My wife left everything behind (all her dogs, clothes, family mementos, etc.), and within 6 months after our separation and 2 months after the divorce was remarried to someone she knew for 3 months. As her testosterone increased mine decreased and we exchanged roles: she became masculine and I feminine. She is 46 and I have been observing this change, but did not think it would end our marriage.
ReplyDeleteIt depends on the couples because I've seen in my neighbor when their kids grew up and already adults, they decided to end their marriage because they want to have time for their own selves.
ReplyDeleteEarly Signs of Menopause
I agree with Anita. At 40 I began to realize that I was not where I wanted to be in life and that I had sacrificed my entire life. I realized that if I wanted something to ocurr in life, it was up to me to make it happen. I was getting too old to sit and wait for it to happen, to deal with stupid people and to keep putting myself on the back burner! It most certainly caused major waves all around me when I started to voice my opionion and strive for what was good for me. Everyone liked it better when I did whatever made everyone else happy. I have made many foes with my new found "me" but that is ok. I am still a kind, loving and giving person...I just don't let people walk all over me anymore! This is the time in life that I am finding out who really loves me for me and who loved me when they were #1! I also think that it is true that husbands keep going the way that they have been the entire marriage and see no reason for things to change so when we want change, it causes chaos and disagreements.
ReplyDeleteNow at 47 I just want to be left alone. I'm tired of dealing with people (my husband included) and fantasize about living by myself and doing just what I want to for a change.
ReplyDeleteI agree with all comments, my family are totaly amazed that I dare to say no these days and my husband is going crazy because I won't take sh** from him or anyone else, after 33 years of marriage and raising 3 children, I too have had enough of making everyone else no 1. I am and will always remain a kind,caring and loving person but I just want to have some time for myself now.
ReplyDeleteSelfish, selfish. SO let me get this straight. You spend your young adult life trying to "find" a man, then you finally get one, then something snaps and you decide that you don't want marriage anymore. Somehow though, it's the man fault. Go figure. I would advice any young man, NEVER, EVER, EVER, get married.
ReplyDeleteHi all, I am a 49 year old single man and I search to understand women in the age of 40 to 55 better, because sometimes it´s difficult for me to get the right relationship to them, how feel women if they come into the menopause, what will happen with their sexdrive and their figure, perhaps some women in this age and situation can give me answers in this blog?
ReplyDeleteClearly this is a topic that women feel close to and men can't possibly understand. To the men who have commented, I appreciate your input. Have you ever noticed that the women in your life change but you don't? Just throwing it out there to help you understand part of our frustration.
ReplyDeleteI am a 48yr old male, wife is 43.No children.
ReplyDeleteWe where great friends before marriage,married 4 yrs.
We are presently seperated,her decision as quoted by her"If we where living together we would be divorced by now". She mentioned a year ago that she felt like an ALIEN was taking over her body.Well I did observe many character changes in her.She is presently taking Progestrone Cream, has been for 1 yr,the dosage strenght has recently been increased.I have been doing alot of reading and inquiring on this topic.I am not ready to give up on my wife,I still love her very much.Yes her character has changed,and that's fine with me.
I am trying to be as suportive as possible,and if this was me going threw something similar, I would hope that she would be there for me.
Yes. Yes it does. I also blog on perimenopause and have been totally fascinated with this phenomenon. I've read some great books that address the topic...The Female Brain by Dr. Louann Brizendine and The Wisdom of Menopause by Dr. Christine Northrup.
ReplyDeleteBoth address the change of menopause that upsets the apple cart of marriage.
To the blog author....I think you make an excellent point to the men. *They* have to be willing to change right along with their wives. If they are not, the marriage usually ends.
I have been with my wife for 15 years. We have three wonderful children. During the last 15 years we have however battled with a mind numbing array of psychological problems. My wife is bipolar and exhibits signs of anxiety disorders. Combined they have grown over the years and led to alcohol abuse and other unhealthy behaviors. The kids and I have suffered through this and battled to keep things together. We are all familiar with biological and chemical imbalances. This has often been unfair on the children. They have watched and experienced their mother in ways that no child should.
ReplyDeleteRecently, my wife entered menopause. At 38 it would seem a bit early but her mother apparently also entered this phase early. For many years I nearly hoped for this thinking that it might help with everything else. Stabilize our life a little from everything that I have read.
It seems that it is not to be. My wife has taken to sexting with strangers and guys that she meets. She has tried to act on this with 2 men in the last couple of months. She says that she cannot help it. That menopause is leaving her feeling empty and alone, ugly and 'unwomanly'. I am not sure that I have any energy left to save our marriage. For the sake of the children I at least want to understand what is happening. The younger ones still need 'mommy' even though the older one has given up on her altogether. In his words 'she has gone too far this time'.
I know and understand how brutal hormonal and other chemical imbalances and changes can be. Menopause would have to rank among the more brutal ones that there are, particularly in a woman that is not strong to begin with. I thought that we were ready for this. Maybe we are not.
Men, make sure you pay attention to the woman that you love and be prepared that even your best efforts might not be enough to bolster her spirits. The severity of the hormonal change is not one the you or your wife may be able to control.
My wife and I are not living in the same home at this time,this was her decision due to how she is feeling,she has felt less sexually effectionate towards me, she is saying because I remind her of her father,we do not look alike,we do however have the same morals and values, this is what she originally found good about me,she was also sexually attracted to me.(all good then).Since she has started her peri-menopause(1 yr ago,we have been living apart) she is very volatile,meaning that many issues towards me or others become extremely anoying to her (mostly me thou). It is very interesting thou that her father was the most important person to her and that I get the seal of approval by him when we started dating.(7yrs ago). |She tells me know that she stands her ground and voices her opinion to him(nothing wrong with that I told her). She use to keep all bottled up in side of her, so know I feel as thou I am suffering the consequense from issues of the past. I am confortable with my wifes' changes, we have only been married 4 yrs,she is still the woman I fell in love with but with some spice. How do I get her to understand this? or Do I let her figure it out herself? Note:Neither one of us have complicated the issue by dating anyone else since our seperation, she tells me that is not what she wants,but if that is what I need then go ahead(she did start crying a little after saying what she said) I am still in love with my wife and not ready to give up. A concernced/sad husband.
ReplyDeleteI think discussions like this really solve an old medical mystery. Why do women live longer than men? Because they don't have to put up with menopause. I would wager to say that not only does menopause cause divorce but it also causes heart attacks in men through the extreme stress and aggravation they are put through. Men have menopause too, they are usually much stronger and deal with it internally whereas women externalize it and expect the whole world to adapt to their change of life.
ReplyDeleteYes,interesting,the idea that men can get stressed out enough which can cause heart attacks. Also, we all know that severe situations can cause some temporary insanity, we hear about it much to often on the news,it's gut wrenching to hear about the loss of lives.I do feel for woman who are going throu pere-menopause/menopause,it often seems like they(woman)do not even realise what they are doing to their loved ones or infact what they are doing to themselves. I've often heard that after woman have(i will use the word) recovered from this stage in life, they seem to not understand what has happened. Am I correct in thinking this or are all women exactly sure what they are doing? The other situation that comes up is if the couple have been married for many years and IF the husband is looking for an OUT,well this is the easy button for him to bail,because he feels that his wife has changed to the worst. Hey,i'm not saying it is the woman's fault,all i'm saying is that women have no more sensitivety when they are going through this stage. A heart broken husband.
ReplyDeleteI've had many women in My life just recently split and divorce. The on-going changes of menopause aren't fun, I almost killed myself, then almost filled for a divorce just because he doesn't understand. Then I found a wonderful natural herb called Moringa Max2 (you can find it on Amazon and at least take 3 a day) and it's leveled out my hormones now for 1 1/2 years. I still get testy once in a while and I just look at my husband and say "Stay away today!" He understands. The sad thing is that there isn't anything on facebook, which is were so many more people are that this information could help.
ReplyDeleteI am 51, my wife is currently menopausal, and I think the biggest thing that happens to them is a change in the clarity of thinking. They just see a lot of things more differently than before, some more clearly. So as a man you have two choices, you can react defensively, in which case you will probably end up divorced, or you can make the attempt to really listen to her point of view, as she may be seeing more clearly things that always existed but now just bother her a lot more. I think communication will never be more important. In short, listen to her. If you are messy, grow up and be cleaner. If you are insensitive, try to be more sensitive. If you love your wife, try to change the things that make her go nuts. Just showing her you care by listening more will help. Ignoring her and shrugging her issues off as just hormones could prove fatal to the marriage. Be patient and kind, even when she is acting like the Tasmanian devil, I guess thats the best advice I can give.
ReplyDeleteI am a 49 year old male. My wife is 47. We have two children; ages 9 and 13. She has been going through peri-menopause for the last 6 - 7 years. This last Thanksgiving (2010) my wife of 20 years crawled into bed with me, lovingly wrapped herself around me and said the last thing I expected: "I'm trying to rid myself of all the negative things in my life, and you're one of them". She further went on to tell me it was because I don't listen to her, I'm a mean and angry person who has separated her from her family and friends, and she's furious about an auto accident I had two years ago. She's also really upset about what she has called my "tone of voice". This is funny since I think of myself as a pretty nice guy with lots of friends and good relationships with almost everyone I meet. She also thinks I'm a bad influence on the kids.
ReplyDeleteI went into a total depressive state over the holidays. My family was with us for the holidays and my wife was cordial to them, but indifferent to me. We celebrated her birthday during this time and she had a great time celebrating with my family, but again was indifferent to me. We're both going to individual counseling, Marriage Counseling.
As part of my treatment, I've discovered that a hypothyroid condition I was diagnosed with 12 years ago was a misdiagnosis. I didn't have an under-active thyroid, I had a dead thyroid; so I was subsequently misdiagnosed, under medicated, and mistreated. So for more than the last decade I have been suffering with hypothyroidism's main symptoms: chronic fatigue, memory issues, brain "fog", depression, and increased irritability. I even have an endocrinologist who will corroborate these symptoms as real and serious. As is text book with this disease, I didn't even know about the depression and irritability until it was too late.
My wife sees the issues of my hypothyroid as yet another "excuse" for my behavior when I attempt to explain what has been happening to me. I've since been under the care of an excellent endocrinologist who has done a wonderful job of treating my disease so that I am not suffering from the symptoms of my disease by placing me on a therapeutic regi9mine of Synthroid (synthetic thyroid hormone) which I will be on the rest of my life.
I have since become much like the person she married. Slow to anger, sharper of mind, and not depressed. As far as my wife is concerned, this is too little too late and has told me that we are done. She says that the only reason we are together now is because of the kids and if they had not been here she would have been gone a long time ago. One moment she wants me to move out, the next she talks about staying together until our youngest is ready to go to college.
We are no long arguing. She still asks me for foot rubs, back rubs, wakes me in the middle of the night to discuss what's bothering her. Yet, when she leaves for work in the morning, she leans in as if to kiss me goodbye and, as I lean in to kiss her, she turns her head so that my lips land on her cheek. We have not further interaction with each other by phone or email (unless it has something to do with the house or the kids) until she comes home, we have dinner together, put the kids to bed, and watch TV with each other for about an hour, then go to bed; in the same bed. In the mornings, we wake up, go through our morning routine, and repeat the above scenario.
What's happening here? Despite all of the issues around my short temper and occasional rage outbursts (probably no more than 12 in the last 20 years); we have had a wonderful life together with lots of adventures and loving experiences. She was telling me she loves me up until the day before she told me we were done. I am so confused. I love her to distraction and truly regret everything that's transpired over the last few years and would love to find a way to fix this situation.
I am so sad that so many people are having such a tough time with this. Your stories are very compelling and I especially appreciate the comments from husbands. I'd like to open up the discussion more and ask if anyone would like to be a guest blogger here? Please let me know.
ReplyDeleteIn response to Jan 24th and Jan 27th. My wife is taking a natural progestron cream,this has been for the past year,the dosage has resently been increased,it appears to be helping her however very slowly.(we do not live together,her choice)She feels that living together would have been more hazardous.I would like to suggest other medication,it just feel it would not go over very well. However I do miss her.I ask her is she would like to go do things from time to time,but always has a reason to not due something with me, she did mention several months ago that we would have to take baby steps to possibly start our relationship.I am willing to be flexible towards her changes, but she does not give me the chance to show her that. We have only been married 4 yrs (no childrn) I feel that we can work on this together slowly, but she has not given me a chance.We where very good friends before getting married.She still makes me feel great when I see her, I just hope some day she will feel the same about me as she did before.I am still keeping positive.A heart broken hsband.
ReplyDeleteMy wife will be 42 this year...we have 3 kids (1 set of twins). About 2 years ago she told me she wasn't in love with me anymore...and the last 2 years have been stressed-filled hell. We go on good streaks and bad. Getting divorced and not...
ReplyDeleteI want to think she might be having some hormone issues but she gets so pissed when i mention it...its all my fault..she says i've been verballly abusive durng the whole marriage and in reality i have not...I WAS a yeller back in my 20's but not anymore...
We are now in friends only stage...she won't show me affection...tell me she loves me or anything nice...
I don't want a divorce at all but is this anyway to live...
How do i know if it is just me or hormones?
Well,to Feb 16th. My wife & I are seperated,(her decision) she is same age, We have no children.What I did was do alot of research with regards to this pere-menopause/menopause. It did answer and clear my head. A female might have some insightfull information for you also. Take one Day at a Time!
ReplyDeleteI've had my wife tell me and my two daughters that 'such and such" episode would have been worse if she unleashed "her menopause", and then joke about it. Her older sister told my daughters to be patient with their mom as she was going through menopause. If women know that their mood swings, depression, aggression, irritability are functionally due to menopause, and can articulate that recognition,then why not get medical attention? Why can't they then also recognize the negative impacts and do something about it? I'm "on the rivet" as they say in bicycle racing (at wits end) on how to deal with my wife. It's been almost 3 months without sex, and then for the last previous 6 it has been only one a month or so. And then there is having to wake up in the morning with someone mad just for having been asleep. What's that all about? Get some damn medication!
ReplyDeleteThe stories from all the husbands make me so upset (big surprise given Pre-menopusal mood swings) Having said that it seems to me that there are two kinds of women here:
ReplyDelete1.Ones that know whats going on and are not trying to find a solution or at least something to ease the symptoms for their sake as well as there husband and families
2. And ones that don't have a clue what is going on and are just trying to tread water to keep a alive.
As one who just realized that the last year or so of her life has been held in jeopardy by pre-menopause I cant imagine knowing what is going on and not trying to find a solution. The best advice I can give is to be understanding. Now before all you men holler and say you have been,please try to realize what is it like.
If you felt that your life, your personality, your health and your mind was slowly slipping away and you had no control over your memory, emotions or any logical thought what would you do? I have on many occasions told my husband that if feels like I am watching myself with no control over my tear ducks or speech patterns. It's all about control. Think about that men, control. We have none, or at least we have none until we realize what is going on. So for those who have not put the pre-menopause label on themselves, send them to this blog get them information, help them find answers. For those that know what is going on..... take the joke out of it, as much as you don't want to you, may need to say in very certain terms this isn't a joke. The best gift my husband ever gave me was to say "Honey, something is wrong,you are not yourself I love you and I want you to be happy, but the something wrong with us may not even be us"
It has been over a year that my wife and I have been living apart,(her decision) she is aware that she is going threw pere-menopause.My wife never really wanted to associate with one of her sisters because she was negative and confrontational whenever she had a chance, some could call her a (B***h).My wife avoided her sisters phone calls becausse she would suck the energy from her and talk negative.Well now my wife is stuck in the same vortex as her sister,the hang out together more than ever. My wife has also cut ties with her best friend. Soon I will give up on her,everytime I have tried to be pleasent or try to do something with her she does not give me the time of day. My wife is now sucking me dry of energy,I try to put effort in but never a positive reaction. This recent valentines was the hardest,I had bought her some gifts,she was aware as I told her I would like to drop them off,she barely had a reaction,and did not respond,this was the dagger in my heart. As I have told my friends,my feelings are not gauged by a switch however I due have a dimmer. My feelings towards my wife are dimming away every week that goes by.I did not feel this way 2 mths ago. It really hurts me to be thinking this way,but I am only playing the hand that was given to me by my wife. I love my wife and am very sad that we will eventually get a divorce.A heart broken husband.
ReplyDeleteHey man I hear you, I dont know what is going on, but my wife is doing the same thing to me... she has changed 360 degrees and I have a total stranger to me, she even cheated on me with this guy that was supposed to be my friend... I am on the same boat and getting a divorce...I think now adays men are getting mentally abused by the ladies! LOL
ReplyDeleteThis to all of the male readers who are searching for answers about what it happening to their wives...
ReplyDeleteI am a 44 year old woman, married 21 years to a wonderful and supportive man. After experiencing some disturbing changes in my menstrual cycle about 3 years ago, I saw my GYN and was told that I am perimenopausal. Huh...I had no idea it could start at such a young age. But it was a physical thing, an inconvenience, just deal with it and move on.
Two years ago, I developed what I like to call my adult onset ADD. I couldn't keep track of things, couldn't manage my calendar, couldn't get things done. Huh...Wasn't I little young to be getting so forgetful? It felt like I was losing control of my life. And yes, I became a bit more irritable with the people I love. I'm certain my husband got the worst of it.
Last year I very well may have lost my mind. I felt unsatisfied with my career, unappreciated by my husband, uncertain of the choices I had made in my life. All of the things that brought me the greatest joy before were suddenly the source of my greatest unhappiness. To escape it, I reconnected with someone I'd dated in college, even contemplated having an affair. It felt like I'd become someone else. Not a better person, that's for sure. I made another appointment with my GYN, begged for an antidepressant...for ANYTHING to make me normal again. She said it was situational, and sent me to a therapist instead. I'll be honest and admit that aside for having someone to talk to, the therapist was a complete waste of time.
Today I am an emotional basket case. One minute everything is fine, the next I'm in tears. At times I feel overwhelmed by the simplest of things. I have a goofy sleep schedule, lord knows what is happening to my body, and sometimes I think about what it would be like to just run off and start over. Thankfully, those are fleeting thoughts never (I hope anyway) to be acted on.
Almost every woman who has told me about her struggles with perimenopause/menopause has also told me about her divorce. Despite the fact that I have blamed my husband at times for my unhappiness, I love him dearly, and my greatest fear is that he won't have the patience to stand by me until I get to the other side of this freaking menopause thing. I hear life is much calmer when you get there. It's the only thing that keeps me going.
To whatever guy is out there reading this...be patient with your wife. Reassure her that you love her, that you think she's beautiful and desirable...she'd rather hear it from you than from someone else. This thing that is happening to her is scary and hard. Yes, she might be unrecognizable for awhile. Stick with it if you can.
Well, to the above comment (dated March17).
ReplyDeleteMy wife is going threw the same thing.She moved out of our home, and left me to sale it.I seem to have tried everything in the last 14mths to try and keep us together,she has not given any sign of my doing so, she has sucked the desire and love out of me,I really wanted to us to work it out, she however does not even seem to care. I love her,however I have given up on her. If she feels she does not want me in her life,I will step asside and let her continue her life without me. I have exhausted all my options.Life is to short to consistently get turned down from your spouse.
I am experiencing extremely similar situations from my wife of 22 years. She told me she has sacrificed her whole life for the good of the family by being nice. She said she bottled up all the things that annoyed and hurt her especially from me (not showing appreciation, criticism for things not done the way I liked, lacking patience, not listening, not remmembering things said, showing unpleasant angry expressions, self-righteous and conceited to think that all things can be fixed, too logical to sense emotional pains and always trying to prescibe a fix without spending the time to listen and understand fully, etc) for the sake of harmony in the family. Now that the kids are 21 and 17, she is 44, the bottled up frustrations are exploding in full fury. I had no idea that I have caused her so much pain for so long. I asked her why didn't she tell me when it was that bad then. She told me she didn't want to fight with me for the sake of family harmony. Now she feels she doesn't need to care about others but only need to care for herself. She wants to leave the marriage to start anew.
ReplyDeleteI am heart broken to learn that I have caused her so much pain all this while without my knowledge. I still love her very much. I have acknowledged my hurtful actions fully to her upon learning this and asked for her forgiveness. But she doesn't believe that I can change to build a better future together and she is adamant about the divorce to find someone else in the remaining life she has got.
It explains her behavior. Peri-menopause hormones indeed are changing her outlook, but maybe it is a more accurate outlook that wakes the husband up to his shortcomings. On realizing these, I am beginning to change to be a better person by being conscious about being more patient, kind, courteous,humble and appreciative. But it may be too late.
She is still asking for a divorce and told me that she will hate me for not letting her go even if she stayed and grow old together with me.
She has already witnessed and praised me for the changes she has seen in my relationship with my daughters. But she is adamant about leaving because she said I reminded her of too much pain to want to build a better future together.
This is where I am now. She is still staying in the same house and sleeping on the same bed with a huge bolster between us. I don't know where this is going. But I am sincerely changing myself to be a better person for her.
Dear Anonymous from April 5th, 2011.
ReplyDeleteMy opinion is that when a woman makes her mind up about leaving her husband, it's going to be near impossible to change it. Women think these things through to death.
You may buy yourself another couple of years, but that's it. I'd seriously consider letting her go. I know that's not easy to hear and I'm sorry for that.
Sounds like you are making positive changes though. All good stuff that you can apply to your next relationship.
omg
ReplyDeletethis is a real eye opener. darling please take this in. we need to talk about this with our therapist.
I am married to my wife for 14 years, and we've been together for 22, since college. We are now both 42, and have two wonderful children, 7 and 9.
ReplyDeleteIn December, right after christmas of 2010, she told me she loves me but no longer has feelings for me. She told me she was interested in another man, even thought they never had a sexual relationship, or even an emotional one. She has since stopped talking to this man, and for first three months of the year, she was trying to make it work between us. I got frustrated in March, and asked if she has made up her mind, she said yes, that she doesnt want to be with me anymore. She says I am too controlling, easy to anger, unappreciative and cheap. Since March, I moved out of the house, but came back for the kids sake.
While in the house, she wanted for me to just leave her alone. I asked her again if she would reconsider our marriage of 14 years, and how this could affect the kids. She got into a fit, and was really annoyed, saying that I am bothering her about this all the time, and that this is over. She had talked about divorce.
Understanding that she wants time and space, I moved out again, this time I told her it will be for 2 months, and during this time, I asked if she would not date, and not file for divorce. She agreed. I know this has something to do with her new found feelings of finding herself. I am really not sure what I should do, should I just let her go? After the two month separation is over, I am not sure if she is going to file for divorce, but she certainly has a hardened shell. Does anyone believe there is possible hope for me?
Wow, this is clearly an epidemic. I'm thinking I may have to focus my entire blog to this topic only. I really had no idea my situation was so similar to so many others.
ReplyDeleteTo all the husbands out there I have to tell you, part of your problem is the changes that your wives go through as they get older, but part of it is you too.
Try not to get caught up always believing everything she says is hormone induced. LISTEN CLOSELY. She's finally telling you all the things she can't stand anymore. Are you controlling? Lazy? Take her for granted? Do you pay attention and participate in your relationship? I mean really participate! Not just sit on the couch watching life go by.
What's happened here is that the kids are at an age when mom's feel like maybe its ok to start living their own lives again. And you, hubby, aint the one she wants to live with anymore.
So guys, you'd better step it up. Pay more attention. Make more effort. Be the man she dated again. Where did that man go?
And women... you're not off the hook. Get to the doctor and see what you can do about the hormones and mood swings. Step back and dont make any rash decisions. Take you time. Give the bastard a chance. It may be the first time he's really tried.
Peri-freakin-menopause
If am woman is going through hormomal changes due to Perimenopause, does she know it?
ReplyDeleteDoes this cause her to fall out of love with her husband?
My wife has told me in no uncertain terms that she no longer loves me.... does not want to be part of may family, and she does not want me. She has said this for the past month... I dont suppose this is the hormones talking, it is just her, right?
Dear Anonymous April 26
ReplyDeleteIt's never just the hormones!
You'd better read my post above.
Good luck.
I'm Anonymous from March 17th. I'm so sorry to see that so many husbands are going through the same thing mine must be. I agree with Peri-freakin-menopause though that it isn't all the fault of the wife or of the hormones. These aren't new issues...it's just that as women become perimenopausal, they seem to lose the filter that stops these feelings from coming out of their mouths.
ReplyDeleteAnd to all who have said that women need to DO SOMETHING...I've been to the doctor multiple times, begged for meds, seen a therapist...and everyone says it's situational. Wow...really?? Is there nothing that can be done? Honestly, wouldn't you think the medical community would come up with a way to identify the correct balance of hormones needed to keep us well, and have a way to fine tune us as needed? There has to be a better way!
@ Anonymous above -
ReplyDeleteRe the medical community's inability to come up with a way to identify the correct balance of hormones needed to keep us well:
What totally pisses me off is that if this were a male issue--like erectile dysfunction--something like Viagra would have been invented a long time ago. God forbid they can't get it up but we get to go through years of often severe disruption of our entire lives with little, if any, effective treatment.
Okay, I'm finished venting....
In February of this year my 47 year old Wife of 26 years bought me a replacement wedding ring I am 48. In March she told me that she needed more sex and because I am disabled and on numerous drugs and have some Ed problems her sex life wasn't over. We tried to work on it I gave her more attention and we had sex once a day till I got sick at Easter. On April 28th she tells me she no longer wants to be with me. On Saturday April 30th I find out she has been having an affair with a married man she met at work. She changed jobs in December. I did not take this very well as neither did our 4 children. The children do not like who there mother has become and 3 of them will not talk to her. She seems indifferent about it and goes about life like nothing has happened. I am currently living out of state until I can get a grip on all of this. All of this is against everything she stood for her entire life. I at first thought she had a brain tumor until I found this blog and read these stories. I now don't feel so alone. Thank you
ReplyDeleteMike
P.S We are getting a Divorce. She's moving out and pretty much leaving me every thing.
ReplyDeleteI am sitting here reading all of these posts from both men, women, husbands and wives.... and I thought I was depressed before.... Holy cow. I am a blubbering mess right now. So much sadness, anger, and resentment coming from both sides.... and what am I getting out of all this? Well, frankly it is scaring the living crap out of me.
ReplyDeleteI too have been feeling blue, have had no sexual desire, and basically want to run away from home. I lay in bed at night, thinking about how my life could have been different, but really would I be any better off somewhere else, or with someone else? Probably not, because I would be the same age of 50, feeling sad because I am losing my youthfulness and what defines me (in my own mind)as women and desirable.
Quite frankly all the crazy emotions and the irribility that I feel right now and the frustration I have with my husband is confusing as hell. I love, love, love my husband passionately. I DON'T want my marriage over. I don't want to leave him, or the house, kids or the dogs. What has absolutely broken my heart and has caused me the greatest grief is that my husband has been UNKNOWNLY unsympathic and hurtful. He complained to our friend (the husband) about my low sex drive and lack of being frisky and passionate, and that I had told him I was in menopause. Our friend then told his wife who, carelessly mentioned when she grapped some chewing gum out of my purse "why do you even carry tampons in your purse anymore?" At first I didn't grasp her meaning, I thought she meant because I didn't have my period at the time, but later that evening when we all went out for dinner my friends husband made some comment about me being in menopause and I should have sex with my husband. My heart stopped. I was so crushed that my husband would complain to our friends about something so personal that I was facing. Something that I myself was having a hard time understanding. Something so personal that it made me sad every single day that I wasn't the same person that I wanted to be.
Now my husband and I hardly really talk. He has been sleeping on the couch. I love him dearly, but the pain of his betral hurts more than the emotional pain I face with being perimenpausal.
I'm 49, married 28 years, 4 kids. I know I am in peri-menopause. I've had insomnia, night sweats for months. I occasionally ( a few times a year ) have an outburst over my kids being lazy or disrespectful. I am typically a mellow, go with the flow kind of person. Added to this, my husband carried on a sexting affair last year. It went on for months. I don't look at him the same anymore. I feel cheated. I feel like he chose the worst time to do this. I deserve better. He is not living here again. We have been on this roller coaster for months, he moves out, he moves back in and so on and so forth. I just want to start a new life without him.
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ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous June, 29, 2011
ReplyDeleteYour comment is worrisome. I very much hope you will seek out some counseling in your area. Perhaps you could start by talking to your family doctor. They could help you with either medication or a referral to a therapist. I urge you to do this soon.
You are obviously in pain and this can be helped by professionals much better than this forum. Of course, we, in this forum are always here to listen and sympathize.
Good luck!
Perifreakinmenopause.
Thank God I'm a single man. Women just aren't worth all the trouble. A girlfriend is OK. But a wife? I'm just not that stupid! I've seen a few of my friends spend most of their lives trying to please their wives. All that does is make the women spoiled. Then when their wife hits menopause, nothing is good enough for them. Everything is the man's fault. The woman changes, and the man must change to keep on pleasing her. After the resulting divorce, the man is devastated emotionally and financially. In our society, the man is always wrong, the woman is always right. I like women, but I'm not stupid enough to marry one!
ReplyDeleteYes! I find when I am experiencing estrogen dominance, that I am far more sensitive, aggressive, less patient. I look back and wonder: what the heck is wrong with me? Why am I letting these things bother me when they didn't before? I truly believe that hormones play a strong role in a woman's behavior during peri-menopause. It hit me right after I got re-married and my husband is wondering why I have changed so much. It has made me wonder and frightens me. Praying a lot for God to help me curb these aggressive tendencies that did not exist before. Good luck, guys.
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous July 1st.
ReplyDeleteI think that I can clearly speak for most of the women and even a good portion of the men here as well.... That I am truly glad you are happy you never married. I personally, after reading your self centered comments, are very glad you never married too. I think that you never getting married isn't or wasn't really soley your own choice, though you may like to think so. I strongly believe there isn't a women on earth that would even begin to consider someone like you as a life partner. Good luck in all your future adventures... on the up-side tables of "ones" usually get located closet to the kitchen so at least you won't have to count on having to snuggle up to a loved one to stay warm. : )