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I am a 49 year old male. My wife is 47. We have two children; ages 9 and 13. She has been going through peri-menopause for the last 6 - 7 years. This last Thanksgiving (2010) my wife of 20 years crawled into bed with me, lovingly wrapped herself around me and said the last thing I expected: "I'm trying to rid myself of all the negative things in my life, and you're one of them". She further went on to tell me it was because I don't listen to her, I'm a mean and angry person who has separated her from her family and friends, and she's furious about an auto accident I had two years ago. She's also really upset about what she has called my "tone of voice". This is funny since I think of myself as a pretty nice guy with lots of friends and good relationships with almost everyone I meet. She also thinks I'm a bad influence on the kids.
I went into a total depressive state over the holidays. My family was with us for the holidays and my wife was cordial to them, but indifferent to me. We celebrated her birthday during this time and she had a great time celebrating with my family, but again was indifferent to me. We're both going to individual counseling, Marriage Counseling.
As part of my treatment, I've discovered that a hypothyroid condition I was diagnosed with 12 years ago was a misdiagnosis. I didn't have an under-active thyroid, I had a dead thyroid; so I was subsequently misdiagnosed, under medicated, and mistreated. So for more than the last decade I have been suffering with hypothyroidism's main symptoms: chronic fatigue, memory issues, brain "fog", depression, and increased irritability. I even have an endocrinologist who will corroborate these symptoms as real and serious. As is text book with this disease, I didn't even know about the depression and irritability until it was too late.
My wife sees the issues of my hypothyroid as yet another "excuse" for my behavior when I attempt to explain what has been happening to me. I've since been under the care of an excellent endocrinologist who has done a wonderful job of treating my disease so that I am not suffering from the symptoms of my disease by placing me on a therapeutic regime of Synthroid (synthetic thyroid hormone) which I will be on the rest of my life.
I have since become much like the person she married. Slow to anger, sharper of mind, and not depressed. As far as my wife is concerned, this is too little too late and has told me that we are done. She says that the only reason we are together now is because of the kids and if they had not been here she would have been gone a long time ago. One moment she wants me to move out, the next she talks about staying together until our youngest is ready to go to college.
We are no long arguing. She still asks me for foot rubs, back rubs, wakes me in the middle of the night to discuss what's bothering her. Yet, when she leaves for work in the morning, she leans in as if to kiss me goodbye and, as I lean in to kiss her, she turns her head so that my lips land on her cheek. We have not further interaction with each other by phone or email (unless it has something to do with the house or the kids) until she comes home, we have dinner together, put the kids to bed, and watch TV with each other for about an hour, then go to bed; in the same bed. In the mornings, we wake up, go through our morning routine, and repeat the above scenario.
What's happening here? Despite all of the issues around my short temper and occasional rage outbursts (probably no more than 12 in the last 20 years); we have had a wonderful life together with lots of adventures and loving experiences. She was telling me she loves me up until the day before she told me we were done. I am so confused. I love her to distraction and truly regret everything that's transpired over the last few years and would love to find a way to fix this situation.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
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OMG you poor guy, I would wonder if she has someone on the side....I am a 43 year old woman and I have been having marital problems for years...My husband is a huge name caller...including horrible swear words in front of our children...I have grounds for divorce but I am hanging in right now, he lost his job. So, I would say to her, "lets separate so you can get your head together!" That's what I wanted, but didn't get, because of the job loss!....We need some time apart, he is very bitter and can't understand. I would let her go, have some time. It was my wish and was not granted. I do not have anyone on the side, I just wanted time away from my husband. I have been in treatment for hypothyroidism for several years, he has been a jerk for our whole marriage. Give her some space and quit letting her torture you!
ReplyDeleteI hear you guy. I am 51 and my wife of 14 years has changed so much and now wants her freedom and wants out of the marriage...I got her cheating on me with a "so called" friend of mine.... So figure that one! huh... O well I guess the woman has gone crazy! She does not respect me in front of her kids (which I raised since they were 3 & 7 years old) since the father was never arround and she was always so proud that I raised them and back her up on everything, but now the kids are 22 & 18 and and they raised the voice at her and she lets them disrespect her and do whatever they want and she expects me to do the same. Well she can go on her own! Big disappoinment!! And no remorse whatsoever for what she did, she says she did it because I was also cheating on her, (how convinient). She was the perfect wife, lovable, good, sweet ect.... And now she is my worst enemy! lol
ReplyDeleteSo good luck to you my friend...for me...I am getting divorced.... sad but true.
I'm sorry to hear what is happening to you, all of you. I hope things get better and that you go create the life you are worthy of.
ReplyDeleteBest to you,
Eva
Sounds like you both went down different tracks for a while between your illness and her peri- menopasue and she fell out of love. Now, maybe you need to remind her why she fell in love with you and married you in the first place. Love notes can go along way. Flowers work wonders. Even just pitching in and helping around the house (without being ask) is also a plus. A simple touch. Oh you know what to do, it's worth a try.
ReplyDeleteLife may not be the party we hoped for,
ReplyDeletebut while we are here we might as well dance.
Surprised to note the varying emotions the woman goes through due to her physical and mental stage.Good that she has a cooperating husband who understands and has not walked out yet.
ReplyDeleteWhat a hellish roller coaster and clearly without the thrill of a real roller coaster. I think the culture of today has left many of us immature and spoiled. Many of us saw our parents or our friend's parents getting divorces growing up. We are constantly told that we should have what we want, everything should feel perfect always, through ads and such. Once in a while there's a touching story of people making it through tough times but they don't begin to offset the "spoil me" campaign that constantly is fed to us. The only thing that I can think of to advise you is to ask your wife to consider the modeling she is and ultimately the both of you are giving your children and their friends. Does she want to see them struggle and give up at some future age or can she show them how to carry through even when things don't feel perfect? Can she show them forgiveness and its power? Can she show them her creative side and how it can save you all by bringing out the best in your lives? I'm in a second marriage. I divorced a very decent guy at thirty. I often wonder why. I know why I did it then but it really doesn't make sense and it hurt my son and I will always regret doing that to him. My struggle is forgiving myself for that. I don't know if I ever will. He's a good kid and I'm lucky he hasn't turned out to be a selfish one. Sounds like your wife is caught up in a modern day cultural haze and she needs to snap out of it. I wish someone had told me that a few years back. I probably would have gotten angry on who ever was stepping on my parade! Stick to appealing to her creative ability and her heart, her huge loving mother's heart that she's forgetting about.
ReplyDeleteWonderful topic I like so much your website it’s really useful for me I felt the same way. I think the culture of today has left many of us immature and spoiled. Many of us saw our parents or our friend's parents getting divorces growing up. We are constantly told that we should have what we want, everything should feel perfect always, through ads and such. Once in a while there's a touching story of people making it through tough times but they don't begin to offset the "spoil me" campaign that constantly is fed to us.Thanks for sharing with us. I always keep is in my mind.
ReplyDeleteNatural Fertility